


The Worse Side Of Better

by Sandyclaws68



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, KakaIru Fest Bonus, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, a little angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandyclaws68/pseuds/Sandyclaws68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes skating too close to the edge of worse is the only way to learn how to make things better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worse Side Of Better

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tsuyume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuyume/gifts).



> Right, so confession time! :D The official KakaIru fest fic that I wrote was one that I had sitting around in outline form for a couple of months. I had plotted it out with Genma as the main character but when I saw Tsuyume's "mission fic" prompt I realized with a few alterations that it would be a perfect fit.
> 
> Bit in typical "me" fashion I couldn't leave well enough alone, and her prompt about how Kakashi and Iruka would interact when Kakashi became Hokage was also rather intriguing, especially with the implications of how the war impacted them as individuals and together. So this fic is the result.

Kakashi didn't stir when the alarm went off. He woke up when Iruka bumped into the doorframe on his way to the bathroom despite the younger man's best efforts to keep his swearing muffled. He rolled over when the water started running and stared at the ceiling. He needed to get up and get moving; he had an important meeting with a delegation from Takigakure at eight-thirty and it would be beyond impolite to arrive late. But he hadn't gotten to bed until nearly one o'clock in the morning (barely six hours ago), nor was that the first excessively late night of work in the past month. The lack of sleep was starting to catch up to him.

“Kakashi?”

The soft voice penetrated his thoughts and he turned his head to see Iruka crouched at the side of the bed. Iruka with his uniform neat and pressed and his hair tied up. Iruka who looked thoroughly awake and ready to start the day. He reached out and laid one hand against his lover's cheek before sitting up and rubbing his face with one hand, trying to erase his tiredness.

“I know you have that meeting this morning, but would you be free for lunch?” Iruka asked, a small smile toying with his lips.

“Not sure,” was the reply, Kakashi's voice almost impossibly sleep-roughened. He cleared his throat. “But if I had to guess I'd say not.”

In the split second before he could control his reaction Iruka's face fell and Kakashi felt his heart twist. “Maybe dinner?” he asked, hoping to see the smile return to his lover's face.

Iruka smiled, but even as tired as he was Kakashi knew it was fake. “Yeah, maybe.” He straightened up and took a step back from the bed. “I need to get going; I'm interviewing two instructor applicants before classes start.” And with that he turned away and left the bedroom. Kakashi could hear him mumbling to himself and the sounds of papers being put in his bag before the door opened and then softly shut.

No good-bye kiss. No _I love you_.

It was going to be a long day.

****~**~**~**~**~****

As expected the meeting with the Hidden Waterfall representatives ran longer than originally planned, which caused an uproar in the rest of the day's schedule. The two hours that he would normally have spent at the mission desk had to be canceled, which was a disappointment. Those hours were some of the best of every day for Kakashi because they reminded him of what being a shinobi was about. Being the Hokage sometimes felt like nothing but endless talking and paper pushing.

And some days they were the only hours he was able to spend with Iruka.

By the time the dinner hour rolled around he was still behind schedule, so he dispatched a message to the house to let Iruka know he wouldn't be home before turning his attention back to his jounin commander. Akimichi Choza had stepped into the role when the war had ended, taking the place of his lifelong friend Nara Shikaku. It hadn't been an easy adjustment; the Akimichi wasn't a tactical genius like his friend, and he knew he was more or less simply filling in until the next Nara, Shikamaru, was ready to take the job. But Choza was well liked and respected by his fellow jounin and the tokujos, so things eventually smoothed out. And if there was any resentment over the fact that Kakashi would have been better suited for the job he never showed it.

Just one more reason why being Hokage sucked, generally speaking.

“Rokudaime-sama?”

Kakashi shook his head and brought his mind back to business. “Apologies, Choza,” he said with a slight smile. “It's been a long day.”

Choza responded with his usual gentle grin. “We can cut this short, if you like. I have nothing to say that can't wait until next week.” When Kakashi shot him a puzzled glance he laughed. “Village law requires that the Hokage and Jounin Commander meet once a week. No law specifies what we talk about, though.”

“True,” Kakashi replied, his own smile twitching behind his mask. “Is there something specific that you wish to discuss?”

“I would have thought it's the other way around.”

“Eh?”

Choza sternly glared. “I've known you since you were ten, Kakashi. And mask or not I can tell when something is troubling you. And Hokage or not I'm going to try and find out what the problem is.”

Kakashi swallowed hard, mentally cursing. “I'm fine,” he said, hoping the lie couldn't be heard. “Like I said, it's been a long day and I didn't sleep well last night.” _What few hours I was actually allowed to sleep_ , he added to himself.

Choza studied him for a long moment. Just when Kakashi felt like he was about to break into fidgety movement the jounin leaned back in his chair with a sigh. “All right, have it your way,” he said, mouth twisting. “I don't for one minute believe that that is all there is to your troubles and distraction, but I won't press. Not today, at any rate.”

Kakashi tried not to look too thankful for that small favor.

****~**~**~**~**~****

Even with that one meeting cut short his day was nowhere near complete, but for the first time since he took office Kakashi called a halt before all of the work was done. “A good night's sleep will do us all a world of good,” he announced to his staff before dismissing all of them with orders to get some rest and “not show your faces in this office for at least twelve hours”. When the last one walked out the door with a soft-spoken good night he stood from his chair and stretched, trying to work some kinks out of his back muscles. He glanced around at the scrolls and papers that still cluttered every flat surface in the room but decided that his orders applied to himself no less than to members of the staff, so with a sigh he turned the lights off and left, intent on getting home before Iruka went to sleep.

All the lights were off downstairs, but a warm glow from the top of the steps meant that Iruka was still up. _Probably getting in a few minutes of reading before finally turning off the lights_ , Kakashi thought to himself as he stripped off his flame-patterned haori and hung it on the coat rack. He stopped to remove his sandals and deliberately let them fall to the floor, knowing the noise would attract the other man's attention.

Sure enough a shadow at the top of the stairs suddenly blocked out much of the light. “Kakashi?”

“Were you expecting some one else?”

Iruka laughed and came halfway down the steps. “I wasn't expecting anyone, to be honest. Your note. . .” His voice faded away and even though he couldn't clearly see his lover's face Kakashi knew that Iruka would look uncertain and be resisting the urge to rub the scar across his nose. It was one of his lover's most endearing habits.

“A couple of meetings ended quicker than expected,” Kakashi explained as he started up the stairs. “And I decided that the entire staff would benefit from an early night, so here I am.” He stood on the step below Iruka and gazed up at the other man. “I'm all yours.”

Iruka's face flushed and his tongue darted into view, licking his bottom lip. Kakashi's eyes locked on that movement as he went up one more step, crowding against his lover. The younger man's breath hitched. “Ka. . . kashi,” he whispered, leaning closer to the other man. But then he seemed to visibly gather himself together and straightened his shoulders. “Are you hungry?” He tossed the question over his shoulder as he pushed past Kakashi and went down the stairs. “I saved you some dinner if you are.”

By the time Kakashi reacted to the sudden shift in mood Iruka had disappeared into the darkness of the first floor. Then lights blazed in the kitchen. “Yeah, sure, hungry,” he mumbled to himself as he followed the other man. “Just. . . Not exactly for food.”

****~**~**~**~**~****

In the early dawn next morning Kakashi was roused by a heavy, welcome warmth against his side and the familiar scent of green apples tickling his nose. He cracked open one eye to see dark hair splayed across his chest and barely touching his chin. Iruka's head was a comforting weight on his shoulder, and when he started to card his fingers through the thick, auburn strands the other man made a soft sound of contentment and shifted closer, wrapping an arm around Kakashi's waist and throwing one leg across his hips.

Arousal hit him like a chakra-charged punch to the gut and he froze, the hand in Iruka's hair immediately stilled. He breathed in slowly, hoping to calm his suddenly racing heart.

Iruka, still more than half-asleep, seemed to have other ideas. He whispered something that sounded like _. . . want you_ and turned his head just enough that his lips skated across Kakashi's collarbone. When a warm tongue made contact with sensitive skin the older man gave up the fight and gathered his lover in his arms, lips moving up the column of Iruka's neck to his ear. He dragged his tongue around the shell, enjoying the way the body in his arms shuddered in response, before closing his mouth around the lobe.

Iruka's moan sounded like it came from the deepest part of him, and for a moment everything was right in their world. But then the warm, plaint body in his arms stiffened, and Kakashi relaxed his hold on the other man and released the ear from his mouth. This is exactly what he didn't want to deal with.

“Kakashi.” Iruka's voice was rough with the remnants of sleep.

“Hmmm?”

“What time is it?”

Kakashi lifted his head until he could see the clock on Iruka's bedside table. “Just about six-thirty.” When he dropped his head back to the pillow it was to the disappointment of Iruka having shifted away from him on the bed. The warmth lingered, but their bodies were no longer touching.

“I. . . I need to get up and going,” Iruka said. “I have to get some lesson plans straightened out for a couple of rookie instructors. And just between you, me, and the window I don't think they are going to last.” His smile was a little sardonic. “Sometimes I wish the Hokage hadn't promoted me to Academy Headmaster.”

Kakashi laughed softly at that. It had been one of his first acts as the newly inaugurated leader of Konoha; bullying the council into reviving the long dormant position then watching as they tried to justify giving the job to anyone but Iruka. They'd failed on that account, rather miserably.

But that job came with a wealth of new and time-consuming responsibilities, just like being Hokage did. And so far neither of them had figured out how to balance all of that with their relationship, and the strain was starting to show.

Iruka slid out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom. The sound of running water and his lover's tuneless humming was something of a balm to Kakashi's aching soul, but it wasn't enough. They had to do something; had to fix this.

Before every precious thing they had became irretrievable.

****~**~**~**~**~****

Despite having to play a bit of catch-up first thing in the morning the day went surprisingly easy in the Hokage's office. A slew of canceled and re-scheduled meetings definitely contributed to it, but Kakashi wasn't about to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. With his desk (finally) clear and the office organized he left the administration building after a brief stopover at the Mission Desk, determined to see, and be seen by, the people of Konoha. It was a practice that he remembered Minato-sensei being devoted to: _Good leadership is visible leadership, Kakashi_ , he had once said, and that was the sort of lesson one could never unlearn.

It was an unseasonably warm day for February, but even so he was grateful for his long sleeves and the extra layer of his haori every time he passed through a shadow. He wasn't necessarily in a hurry, but he did have a specific destination in mind. It took a while to get there, though, as he was almost continuously stopped by children, shop-owners, and regular citizens all wanting to wish him well. He was just leaving the green grocers after an extended conversation with a couple of civilian housewives when he heard a voice hailing from behind him.

“Kakashi-sensei!”

He turned around just in time to catch Sakura as she hurtled toward him, running down the street at top speed. “I'm so glad I caught you!” she gasped out. “Tsunade-sama sent me; she wanted you to be the first to know.”

For a brief moment Kakashi felt his stomach twist, automatically expecting bad news. But then he took a close look at Sakura's face. Her smile was wide and her eyes all but sparkling. Happiness radiated off of her, and he couldn't help but react to it. “It's good news, I take it?” he asked, eyes curving in his usual grin.

“Very,” she replied with a grin. “We did the graft of Naruto's new arm early this morning, and all indications are that it was successful!”

Kakashi breathed a sigh of relief. He had been so busy that he had completely forgotten about what Naruto was going through. But the fact that he could forget about it seemed like a measure of the trust he had in Tsunade, Sakura, and the rest of the medical team, so he pushed down the hint of shame that he felt. “That's wonderful news, Sakura,” he said, genuine warmth in his voice.

“Just make sure you come and see him later,” she said, trying to look and sound stern but failing by a mile when a grin overtook her again. She gave her old teacher's arm a squeeze before turning and heading back to the hospital. “And bring Iruka-sensei!” she shouted over her shoulder, giving him one last thumbs up before disappearing into the crowd.

His throat tightened at the mention of Iruka, but it also reminded him of where he had been headed. Time to swallow his pride and ask for help from the only person he thought might be able to do exactly that.

Hopefully with keeping the exclamations about _Youthful Bonds of Affection!_ to a minimum.

****~**~**~**~**~****

“It does sound like a problem. And even the physical side -”

“Gai,” Kakashi grated out, a clear warning.

Gai coughed and dropped his gaze. “My apologies. I know we once agreed to never speak of those matters when seeking each other's advice, but it does seem to be a significant factor.”

Kakashi blushed. “It's. . . complicated, all right?” He shoved a hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture and sighed. “I shouldn't have come.”

The smile that crossed his friend's face was the sort that always made Kakashi feel a little nervous. “I don't see it as complicated at all, Kakashi,” Gai began. “You are worried about your inability to balance all of the pressure and stress of new responsibilities with your personal relationship and wonder if Iruka feels the same. I think you're using all of that to avoid talking about what needs to be discussed.” He stopped speaking and waited for his meaning to sink into the Hokage's genius brain. “How much does Iruka know about what happened to you during the war?”

The question was so softly spoken that Kakashi almost didn't hear it. “Not that much,” he finally admitted, just as quietly. “I know Naruto has told him a few things, and Sakura as well, but. . .”

“But the two of them can only give him the facts. They can't possibly convey anything of your emotional turmoil.”

Kakashi lurched to his feet and started to pace. The small room didn't allow much movement, so even that was frustrating. “I. . . I can't, okay? I've finally – finally – found a measure of peace with myself about _him_ , and if I tell Iruka the entire story I'm afraid I'll lose that!”

Gai moved the cane from his lap and, leaning heavily on it, go to his feet. “A burden shared is a burden halved, my friend.”

Kakashi laughed. “You've got a cliche for every situation, don't you?” He dropped back into the chair he had occupied. “But I get your point.”

“It's not just you, Kakashi. You need to help Iruka carry his burden as well.”

He hadn't really thought about that, but he knew that Gai was right. He had deliberately avoided speaking to Iruka about what the chuunin had experienced during the war, especially what he might have seen under the influence of the Infinite Tsukuyomi. It was cowardly, he knew, but a part of him simply didn't want to know. What if he had played no role in Iruka's dream?

“You need to know, Kakashi,” Gai spoke again, snapping his friend out of his thoughts. “You both do. Loving each other means loving everything. The good and the bad. For better or for worse.” Then he grinned. “And that reminds me; there might be an additional way to bring the two of you back together, but you'll have to see Tsunade-sama about that.”

****~**~**~**~**~****

It was three days later before he found a chance to talk to Iruka. Three days in which he turned his conversations with both Gai and Tsunade around in his head, constantly second-guessing himself about what he should do. His resolve wavered, and strengthened, and wavered again. When he woke up to an empty house on Sunday morning (Iruka had a Mission Desk shift) he gave himself a sharp mental slap. Time to stop being an idiot about all of this and just do it.

He cleaned their home to within an inch of its life and browsed through the recipe scrolls that he had inherited from Minato-sensei, looking for something suitably delicious but easy for dinner that evening. He took a long bath, hoping to soak some of his tension away. It didn't really work, because he found himself almost too agitated to sit calmly and wait as the hour of Iruka's return drew closer. The sound of keys in the front door made him jump.

The pleased surprise on Iruka's face when he came in was worth all of the frantic work he had done. “You cleaned,” the younger man said, looking around with a smile.

“I did,” Kakashi replied. “And I've got dinner planned and all ready to cook.”

Iruka laughed and sank down on the sofa. “Good, because I'm not feeling up to any of that today. That was the craziest Sunday I've ever seen on the desk.” He sighed. “Of course, a lot of that can be attributed to Genma being on duty but refusing to do any work.”

“That sounds like him,” Kakashi replied with a small grin. He sat down on the sofa beside Iruka, careful to not touch the other man, and pushed a hand through his disheveled hair. “Iruka, I -”

“Don't I get a welcome home kiss?”

There was the sound of something sliding across fabric and then a warmth beside him, and Iruka was looking at him expectantly, one eyebrow raised. Kakashi leaned close and pressed a quick kiss to the other's cheek, carefully ignoring the flash of disappointment in Iruka's eyes. He felt the same clenching in his heart that had become such a feature of all of their interactions recently, and his determination to fix things hardened. He wouldn't let go of this man, no matter what.

“Iruka, I think. . .” He gave his head a shake. “No, I _know_ we need to talk. I. . . You. . . Oh hell. This is tougher than I thought it would be.”

“Maybe it'll be easier if I start,” Iruka said, reaching out and threading his fingers through Kakashi's. “These last few months. . . I know things have been difficult. It's a big adjustment, for both of us. And I know you probably need more time, but. . .” He blinked rapidly, as if holding back tears. “I know we can't be just Kakashi and Iruka anymore, there's too much Rokudaime Hokage and Headmaster Umino. We're falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it.”

Kakashi gathered him up in his arms and held him close, stroking the long line of his back with one hand. With the other he tugged the hair tie free, and almost smiled at Iruka's sigh as his long hair tumbled free. He sank his hand into the dark mass and massaged the younger man's scalp, noting the exact moment that Iruka relaxed and all but melted against him. “I want to tell you about what happened in the war,” he whispered against the auburn hair.

Iruka jerked abruptly against him and lifted his head. “You. . . you don't have to,” he stammered. “I know it must be painful, and Naruto and Sakura have told me some of it.”

Kakashi smiled, if a little sadly. “I know they've spoken to you, but you still need to hear it from me. And I need to talk about it; need to let go of a few things.” And he started to talk, his voice occasionally breaking as emotions fought their way to the surface. Iruka listened without interruption, an occasional tear slipping down his face.

The sun had set while he spoke, and inside their living room the shadows were growing. Neither man made a move to turn on any lights, though. Kakashi welcomed the darkness as it hid his ravaged expression, and Iruka seemed to instinctively understand that it made it easier for his lover to speak about such painful things.

There was a long, drawn-out pause when he finished speaking, and it took Kakashi a moment to get his emotions under control. Contrary to the worry that he had expressed to Gai telling Iruka everything seemed to have increased the feelings of finding some peace. He let out a gusty sigh and dropped his head to rest on the back of the sofa.

“You feel forgiven,” Iruka said quietly, breath ghosting across the older man's neck. “I'm glad.”

Kakashi had to give his response some thought as he stared at the ceiling. “I spent so many years being certain that the things I'd done were unforgivable. Thinking that I was the only person in the entire tangled thread of my life that needed that one, indefinable chance for redemption.” He lowered his head and pressed a kiss to Iruka's. “It's a strange feeling, almost, to have learned that I've always been an ordinary human, with ordinary human failings.” He laughed. “Obito was always the best person at teaching me lessons about my humanity, and he didn't fail with this last one.”

Iruka pulled back out of Kakashi's embrace enough to meet the other man's no-longer mismatched eyes. “You taught him a few things this time around as well, I think” he said, a gentle smile curving his lips.

Kakashi nodded. “I think so too. I do have one regret left, though.” When Iruka looked at him questioningly he continued. “I wish Rin could have been there to see it. She deserved that much.”

“She knows. Never doubt that for a moment. And she's probably happy to have Obito with her, wherever they might be.”

“I hope so,” Kakashi whispered. He tightened his arms around Iruka. “Do you. . .” He coughed, feeling unsure of himself. “Do you need to talk about, well, you know.”

“Do I want to talk about what I saw in the Infinite Tsukuyomi, you mean?” Iruka asked, a hint of laughter in his voice. “Why don't you ask me what you really want to know?” When Kakashi didn't respond right away Iruka chuckled and lifted his head to press a lingering kiss to the mole at the corner of his lover's mouth. “Of course you were in my dream! Baka!” He shook his head. “You were there, and my parents were alive, and they adored you, their only -” He broke off with an audible swallow.

“Their only?” Kakashi prompted.

A blush climbed his cheeks. “Their only son-in-law,” Iruka finally answered, voice a shadow of a whisper.

Kakashi bit his lip to prevent a grin from making itself known. “Well,” he began, “now is as good a time as any to bring up another subject.” He twisted on the sofa so he could turn on the reading lamp behind him. The soft light fell on Iruka's face, making it easier to read. “I want you to give up working at the Mission desk,” he said, holding up a hand when the younger man started to protest. “There's a different job that your Hokage needs you to take on. I want you to fill the vacant seat on the council.”

Iruka sucked in a breath. “Kakashi, that's. . .” He almost said crazy. “Impossible,” he finished. “The other members won't allow it. Headmaster or not in their eyes I'm still nothing but a chuunin-sensei, and hardly a suitable person to be involved in decisions that effect the entire village!”

Kakashi tensed at Iruka's words, hating that he thought of himself like that. “Well, first of all I have every intention of recommending that the Chiefs of Staff approve your promotion to tokubetsu jounin -” Iruka's gasp was loud in the room. “- and second they won't have much of a choice since Konoha law allows the spouse of a Hokage to serve on the Council, vacant seat or not.”

Iruka froze. “Kakashi, are you -”

“Asking you to marry me?” the older man interrupted as he pulled a small, velvet box out of one of his pockets. “I hope so, otherwise this was one hell of a waste of money.” he opened the box under Iruka's stunned gaze. Two silver wedding bands fit snugly inside, one engraved with a pattern of waves and the other with heno-heno-moheji faces.

Iruka stared at the rings for a long moment, then started to laugh and cry at the same time. “You idiot!” he gasped out, snacking Kakashi on the upper arm. “You had to do this today of all days?”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes, damn you! Yes!” Iruka grabbed his face and kissed him so hard that their teeth clashed for a moment. He was grinning when he pulled away, and Kakashi thought that his happy, tear-streaked face was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“What does today have to do with it?” he asked as he slid the heno-heno-moheji ring onto the third finger of Iruka's left hand.

Iruka shook his head with a laugh. “Nothing. Not a damned thing.” But he was already planning a White Day wedding.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy early Valentine's Day everybody! :D


End file.
